A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog post about the grief I felt when the relationship with my mother changed significantly. I wrote about how the stages of grief helped me process the emotions and changes I felt. However, through new experiences, I have learned that the stages of grief don’t always apply to every instance of grief or loss, and I will explain why.
Last summer my mom passed away. She was sick with cancer for a long time, so in theory, I had plenty of time to prepare for her passing. And yet, I will tell you now, there is no way you can ever prepare for the loss of a parent.
We hear all the time; healing is not linear. It can bend and turn and flip itself on its side. You can laugh one moment, and cry seconds later. And while the stages of grief are also not linear, they can box you into a formula that simply may not apply.
And for me, the stages of grief do not apply.
I have not felt most of the emotions outlined in the stages of grief. I have not felt denial, anger, or bargaining. And while I feel immense sadness, it does not feel like depression.
I feel the heartbreak as my heart weighs so heavy in my chest. I feel the tears well up in my eyes as I miss her profoundly. I feel both comfort and deep loss while remembering her and our memories.
And acceptance? Well sure, I accept she is gone, but I don’t accept that my new normal is without her. I carry her with me every day.
Finding ways to move forward
One thing that is remarkably similar to losing my mother to death as it was when I lost the relationship we once is that I need to find ways to move forward with her. Most of us, at some point, will experience the loss of a parent. And while I do not wish for anyone to be a part of this “club”, it is one we will all join. If you find yourself becoming a member of this club, please know that everyone grieves differently. There is no correct way to grieve. You may or may not experience the five stages of grief. And that’s okay.
One thing I do know is that while you are grieving this significant loss, life continues to move forward. Grief doesn’t only occur during your bereavement days or at the funeral. It becomes a part of your life. And while you are trying to figure out how to move forward, the rest of the world keeps spinning. And that can feel isolating.
I cannot stress this enough: find someone you can talk to — a counselor, a support group, a friend. Talking about your loved one keeps them alive in your heart and mind - so please share your thoughts and experiences with someone you can trust. I suggest talking to someone who is not grieving your parent in similar ways (i.e. your siblings, their siblings, your other parent, etc.) because it may be triggering for the both of you as you navigate your similarities and differences in your grieving processes. What might work best for them, may not work for you and vice versa. My family and I feel this deep loss in many similar ways but also in different ways, and those differences may not resonate, and again, may be isolating.
Thankfully, I found a deep connection with a couple of friends who have also lost a parent. They have felt the ups and downs and sideways of the emotional rollercoaster. They understand how certain milestones and events will always be bittersweet now. And they get that grief takes on so many different forms and iterations. I feel seen when I talk to them.
Ironically enough, after my mom passed, I found comfort in quotes and memes written by others who have also experienced deep loss. My social media feeds started serving me all sorts of grief quote graphics and stories. Thanks, algorithms. These mini-narratives or words of wisdom speak this new language I am learning and they let me know that what I am feeling is not only okay, but normal.
I’ll leave you with one of the quotes that has paved a path for my grief journey: “Grief is the last act of love we can give to those we lost. Where there is deep grief, there was great love.”
Deep grief = Great love. Mama, I miss you and I love you.
This blog article was contributed by Kate Borman, Digital Marketing Manager at Nexus Family Healing.
Nexus Family Healing is a national nonprofit mental health organization that restores hope for thousands of children, families, and adults each year through community mental health therapy, crisis and stabilization, foster care and adoption, and residential treatment. For over 50 years, we’ve used innovative, personalized approaches to heal trauma, break cycles of harm, and reshape futures. We believe every child is worth it — and every family matters. Access more resources at nexusfamilyhealing.org/resources.