I am not sure it will ever feel like enough… but I will always try to honor my kids’ roots.
When we became a foster family, the first children who came to live with us were siblings, a teen boy and a toddler girl, who were Ojibwe. One of my closest friends in college was also Ojibwe, so I was familiar with the culture and felt really honored because I loved what I had heard about and experienced my friend’s culture. I also realized I could not possibly do it justice. I remember texting her and asking what I should do! She mentioned simple things like having Native art around or speaking familiar words to them like “boozhoo” for hello or “miigwech” for thank you. Our town also had a powwow gathering during the same month the siblings moved into our home, so we made plans to attend that.
Still, I knew my efforts were inadequate, no matter how well-intended. If you are not from a particular culture and have never lived it, you simply cannot give the most authentic experience. But what I could do - and always do - was show any child who came into my home that they are all equally valuable, and we were all created with God’s divine intention for good things. A person born into any culture has incredible purpose and connection with it, even when removed temporarily or permanently. If possible, it is great to keep biological family members involved; however, I know from experience, this is not always possible or safe.
Learning from My Own Roots
I am of both Western and Eastern European descent; both of my grandmothers were immigrants, so I know what it looks like for a person to love their culture of origin and try to keep it, no matter where they’re located. I have always been sensitive to giving everyone a sense of belonging because I saw how beautiful it was when people treated my grandmothers with dignity, even when one grandmother’s accent was so thick I often had to be her interpreter.
After a decade doing foster care, I now have two Mexican-Colombian/American daughters, one African-American son, and one (biological) white son. We are a multicultural family. I have found it vital to navigate this with intentionality, sensitivity, and a good sense of humor. My kids, especially as they have gotten older, love to poke fun at the differences. They especially love to do this when they know I’m being intentional – a.k.a. “cringe” - and they humble me quickly! But I pray that underneath the “cringe,” they see a mama who’s trying, who’s failing forward, who understands that their roots matter, all while honoring their futures.
Trying, Failing Forward, and Learning Together
To be candid, I don’t feel qualified to be writing this article. I bet there are other multicultural families doing better than I am. Yet, I considered how many foster and adoptive families out there who are like me and feel a little embarrassed, a little lost, and a little afraid to ask for help, and maybe even a little bit ignorant (but not on purpose!). As I share the efforts I have put in to help honor my kids’ backgrounds, I ask for your grace. I also welcome you to think of the things you’re doing and share those with another foster parent. We are all in this together, for the kids.
7 Ways I Try to Honor My Kids’ Cultures
- Help them connect with their culture’s language. My daughters never learned Spanish and spent significant formative years bouncing around in foster care. Seeing the language as a simple way to integrate the beauty of their culture, I have begun integrating bits of my somewhat broken Spanish into everyday life. For example, we regularly say “te quiero” and “te amo” for “I love you.” We talk about verbs, like “correr” for my daughter who loves to run, and name objects: la luna, la mochila, el aguacate, la ensalada, and her favorite food, “los fideos picantes” - spicy noodles. We learn colors, months, and fun phrases. It’s simple, but we try.
- Help them connect with cultural traditions. When my youngest daughter turns 15, we are planning on hosting a Quinceanera for her. For those unfamiliar with Latino culture, a Quinceanera - a huge birthday celebration and coming-of-age tradition - is a very big deal for a girl. We plan to have a fabulously ridiculous party and are inviting Mexican friends from our community and our church to help us do it justice! Alternativity, we made the same offer to our older daughter when she turned 15, but she turned it down. At first, I felt guilty, but the sincere offer was there. She explained to me that there was some discomfort associated with the attention, as well as her being “in a tough place” at the time. I honored her decision but still spoiled her with many gifts and cultural foods on her birthday. Sometimes we try and the outcome won’t be “perfect” ... but we respect our children as individuals and their choices.
- Help them connect with those they can relate to. For our son, we immediately sought mentors who could help both us and him. He was adopted at age 13, which is such a vulnerable age of development and identity. As non-Black parents, we knew he needed connection to someone who understood his lived experiences. We located two mentors for him, one who mentored through athletic training, and the other who did Facetime calls regularly.
- Help them connect to cultural styles and haircare. We also found an ACTUAL barber for our son, which was hard to do in our smaller city. Hair care communicates so much love. I also learned to do twists (a popular hair style) by asking a friend for tips and watching YouTube videos. It took me forever to do them, but those bonding moments are something I’ll never forget.
- Connect with a multiethnic village. Be friends with all kinds of people, from all different backgrounds. Depending on your region, this may be more or less natural because of your town or city’s population. We have found church and our kids’ schools to be great places to make friends. I believe we are all better when we are united as one “family,” and this is important for our kids to see, too.
- FOOD FOOD FOOD. I won’t say anymore.
- Finally, just be open. We cannot pretend culture doesn’t exist, and we also can’t worry that everything we say and do will ruin our kids. If the heart and mind are right, if we are open to learning from others, and if we care about our kids’ pasts and futures, we will inevitably get some things right. Plus, when we admit we had a shortcoming or got something wrong, it invites conversation about how to get more things right in the future.
I have found that belonging has so much more to do with how we treat one another; it is more than skin deep. But yes… the skin, the culture, the roots, they matter. It is seemingly a paradox: Skin/culture does not matter for how well we treat one another and how much we love each other, and yet it does matter as we consider educating ourselves to love each other best. Foster and adoptive parents with multicultural families know this well: the many “ands,” the past and present and future, the “it takes a village,” and the love that surpasses differences.
This blog was contributed by Cherie Johnson, a Foster/Adoptive Parent for Nexus-Kindred Family Healing.
Nexus Family Healing is a national nonprofit mental health organization that restores hope for thousands of children, families, and adults each year through services in community mental health, crisis and stabilization, foster care and adoption, and residential treatment. For over 50 years, we’ve used innovative, personalized approaches to heal trauma, break cycles of harm, and reshape futures. We believe every child is worth it — and every family matters. Access more resources at nexusfamilyhealing.org/resources.