Understanding the Emotions Behind Defensiveness and How to Respond Effectively
Nobody likes to be wrong. To a certain extent, we all try to avoid being wrong because it can make us feel bad, a feeling we naturally try to avoid. Children and adults alike can struggle with this, especially when they are still developing confidence, emotional regulation, or coping skills.
However, some people have a particularly difficult time with the feeling of being wrong. They struggle to admit mistakes and if someone points out an error, it can lead to defensiveness, arguments, or even emotional outbursts. While this can be a normal part of personal growth and development, it can also reflect certain personality traits. Some individuals have a sensitive ego and, for various reasons, feel a strong need to be right. When an error is pointed out or discussed, they may interpret it as a reflection of their worth rather than simply a mistake.
When does it become a concern?
It can be difficult to know when this behavior is a normal personality trait and when it becomes a concern.
First, consider whether the behavior is interfering with a person’s ability to function successfully in daily life, particularly in relationships, school, work, or social situations. If their sensitivity is not leading to significant problems, it may be best to keep an eye on it while avoiding unnecessary attention to the behavior. If it is creating challenges in everyday functioning, here are some questions to consider:
- Is the person hard on themselves or others?
- Do they have very high expectations or seem demanding?
- Do they often imagine situations turning out a certain way and become upset when reality does not match those expectations?
- Is it difficult for them to make decisions?
- Do they seek constant approval or reassurance from others?
Perfectionistic tendencies
If several of these questions resonate, perfectionistic tendencies may be playing a role.
Perfectionism occurs when someone expects themselves to be perfect in everything they do. When their performance does not meet their own standards, they may feel as though they have failed. The problem is that perfection is impossible to achieve, and constantly seeking it can create ongoing stress and anxiety.
To avoid feeling bad about themselves, a person with perfectionistic tendencies may:
- Put excessive effort into making everything perfect.
- Go out of their way to prove they are right.
- Have difficulty making decisions for fear of making the wrong choice.
- Defend themselves against evidence, even when the issue is relatively minor.
Perfectionistic tendencies are often closely linked to anxiety. When someone experiences disappointment, criticism, or the feeling that they have not met their own standards, their anxiety can increase significantly. Eventually, the emotional overload may lead to defensiveness, emotional outbursts, or shutdowns.
If perfectionism seems to be part of the picture, it can be helpful to examine the messages and expectations surrounding that individual. Are the people around them expecting too much? Are standards unrealistic or overly demanding? Do they know it is acceptable to make mistakes?
Examining external pressures and expectations
Sometimes, repeated criticism or a constant focus on errors can lead a person to become highly sensitive to being wrong. In these situations, emotional reactions may be a sign that they are feeling overwhelmed by pressure and expectations.
If this seems to fit, it may be helpful to evaluate the demands being placed on them—by themselves or others and try:
- Focusing on effort, persistence, creativity, and the learning process rather than solely on outcomes or achievements.
- Encouraging realistic expectations by discussing the many different positive outcomes that can emerge from a situation and emphasizing that success can take more than one form.
- Normalizing mistakes as a natural and necessary part of learning and growth.
- Evaluating whether mistakes are being overemphasized or whether feedback is being delivered too frequently.
Choosing your battles wisely
Learning to pick battles can make a significant difference. It is often most effective to focus on correcting issues that have meaningful consequences or could affect others, while allowing minor mistakes or disagreements to pass without intervention.
After all, if someone simply wants to be right for the sake of being right, sometimes the best response is to let it go.
